No pain no gain

That phrase is so maligned these days. "If it hurts, you're doing it wrong!" But as someone who hates exercise, just walking down a nature path kind of hurts. I mean not in an injury kind of way. Just in a this is work and I'm lazy way.

Right now my feet are killing me. The plantar fasciitis is in high gear. And I could easily use that as an excuse to be lazy today. And short term it would feel better to put my feet up. But being a long term ultimate pleasure seeker, I would feel sooooo much better is I struggle through the foot pain today because my feet feel better and better the less I weigh. And the best way to do that is to burn off the excess calories. Well, it would have been even better to not have eaten the excess in the first place. But fitness is also a good thing.

You can never go back

I started to write a post back on... Friday?  Saturday morning?  Anyway, I was back in the only place I've ever truly considered home besides my parents' house, and it wasn't the same.  Things had changed.  Lots of things.  Some things weren't as glorious as I had remembered them.  But at the same time it was still beautiful, it was still that old home of mine, some things hadn't changed and were still as glorious as I remembered.

When I started the post, I was depressed because I couldn't go back.  But now I'm not depressed anymore.  I still can't go back to the way it was, but I got validation that those memories are real and they were great times... and that I can make myself a new good life even if things aren't perfect around me.

I'm doing an online course for the next month-ish.  I may not be writing here as much because of the writing I'll be doing for that.  I'm going to keep up on my podcasts, but probably putting that stuff in the class writing too.  Maybe.  No promises.  Actually I may drop the podcasts during the class if they're interfering. 

This podcast I love, because she teaches us to do the three P's.  Persistence, Patience, and Practice.  And everyone take note, Perfection ISN'T one of the P's.

Also, I'm going to be stepping away from the computer a bit.  I think that's contributing to my neck/shoulder/back pain and my headaches.  I'll still be around occasionally, but not on the couch or the bed for hours at a time. 

And now, time to go for today. 

Turtle

I know slow and steady wins the race, but I'm having a tough time accepting that.  I want what I want, and I want it now!  At the rate I'm going, I'm going to be 40 before I reach my goal.  I know I could lose weight faster... go on any of the many mainstream diet plans...  but I wouldn't stick with it.  It wouldn't be a life-long change for the better.  So, I'm gonna strap on my turtle shell and self-correct from yesterday and see how things work out. 

I'm super emotional right now too.  Marriage problems.  Last night I watched Tangled, the new Disney take on Rapunzel.  And I saw my marriage in the fake mother-daughter relationship.  No, I don't have magical hair.  But anyone could see the dysfunction in their relationship... and I was just fine with it, blah de dah, right up until the first time with the "I love you""I love you more""I love you most" bit.  And I was reminded so much of how the man can never say "I'm sorry" or anything even remotely close to admitting he might have made a mistake.  Any time he's done something to hurt me, it's "I love you?" always in a question way.  He's not telling me he loves me, and he's not apologizing for anything.  He's asking if I still love him.  He's never done any one thing directly to me to make me feel I need to leave, but he's also never done anything to make me want to stay.  And he has done a sum total, cumulative effect of lots of things to make me want to leave.  I need to hunt down K2's shrink's number again.  I'm really feeling it's time to go.  Except I signed up for the path finder.  Maybe I should give that a shot first.  I mean after 6.5 years, what's another 5 weeks?  Except I'm feeling the ambition right now.  Which, history has taught me, will be fleeting. 

Hmm.

Still sleepy.  Been up since 3:30.  Nap time?

Rebellion Day

Long story boring, I'm deep in the throes of a horrible funk.  And I ate today.  I ate the whole day.  Everything. 

And you know what?  It didn't make me feel any better. 

Just in case you were wondering. 

My Super-Power: Invisibility

I think I mentioned previously that there's a podcast that I think can help me.  Once again I'm not quite ready to name it on here because I'm not quite ready to potentially attract readers to this hot mess of a blog, but if anyone is reading and is curious, ask and I suppose I'll tell you.  Anyway, I have listened to the first few episodes... a few times... but never get very far.  She has definitely helped me to stop gaining weight, and has helped a LOT with me getting over my emotional issues with food.  I'm not losing yet, but I've definitely planed off.  Well, I've mostly planed off.  Kind of.  I've gone up about 10 lbs since January of 2008.  It's now August of 2011.  We'll get into how much I gained between August of 1996 and January of 2008 later.  Although that 10 lbs is kind of in question... different scales.  Hubby's scale says one thing, my Wii Fit board says something else.  And the last time I was at the doctor their scale was broken.  I mean it was already broken before I got there, I didn't break it. 

Anyway, I've gotten a bit off-topic.  I wanted to talk about the podcast I listened to today.  She was talking about how obviously we all want to lose weight or we wouldn't be listening to her.  But not ALL of us is on board, or else it would be easy and it would work.  And I got to thinking about what part of me truly isn't on board.  I've listened to this episode before, and I've come up with answers like "I love food" and "I'm afraid to be hungry" and "I want to know that people like me for who I am and not just what I look like" but I am less concerned with those thoughts now, and the biggest argument against it is something that's been weighing on my mind for a while (no pun intended) I dread when people notice I'm losing weight.  Being fat gives you a degree of invisibility. 

Did you hear that?  Being fat makes you invisible.  Oh I won't deny that people always notice you, might even gawk a bit if they don't think you're looking, but they never approach you and don't talk about your weight... unless they're your mother.  But that's another story.  Especially since she has possibly worse emotional issues with food than I do. 

I'm veering off topic again.  That invisibility is awesome for someone who is shy.  I know, I know... anyone who actually knows me thinks I'm bat-shit crazy for saying I'm shy, but I am.  With strangers.  With meeting people for the first time.  With talking to people who I have nothing in common with.  If I'm with my friends, or even if it's people I just met but have a reason to talk to them and get along with them, then I'm outgoing and fun and extremely sociable.  But I'm petrified of strangers, and I hate like the plague to be stuck with people who have nothing in common with me.  (P.S. sorry about the crappy grammar earlier in this paragraph.  And lots of other places) 

I'm absolutely terrified of the first person to go "have you lost weight?"  For a little while you can kind of shrug it off and be all "umm... no... I don't think so... flattering outfit... new hair..." but after a while there's no hiding anymore.  I don't want people to notice.  In the past, that's about the point where I would flake out and stop losing weight... and gain it all back plus 10%.  And I truly think it's because I don't want people to notice I'm losing weight.  So it's easier to stay fat.  Or even gain weight.  Nobody's going to comment on that shit!  And there are no expectations.  Right now, nobody expects me to lose weight, or even really to maintain.  Even though I basically have.  But when I lose a little weight... I mean that proverbial 10% would be noticeable.  Then everyone will expect me to continue.  And when I reach a weight that I'd like to maintain for the rest of my life, everyone else will expect me to maintain it too (or expect me to gain it back, which is even worse) and I hate it when others have expectations of me. 

My fat super power is invisibility.  And I'm scared to lose it.  But I have probably a couple months, maybe even until the winter holidays, before my weight loss will be really noticeable.  So I have some time to mentally prepare myself to deal with my coming visibility.  I can do it.