I think I mentioned previously that there's a podcast that I think can help me. Once again I'm not quite ready to name it on here because I'm not quite ready to potentially attract readers to this hot mess of a blog, but if anyone is reading and is curious, ask and I suppose I'll tell you. Anyway, I have listened to the first few episodes... a few times... but never get very far. She has definitely helped me to stop gaining weight, and has helped a LOT with me getting over my emotional issues with food. I'm not losing yet, but I've definitely planed off. Well, I've mostly planed off. Kind of. I've gone up about 10 lbs since January of 2008. It's now August of 2011. We'll get into how much I gained between August of 1996 and January of 2008 later. Although that 10 lbs is kind of in question... different scales. Hubby's scale says one thing, my Wii Fit board says something else. And the last time I was at the doctor their scale was broken. I mean it was already broken before I got there, I didn't break it.
Anyway, I've gotten a bit off-topic. I wanted to talk about the podcast I listened to today. She was talking about how obviously we all want to lose weight or we wouldn't be listening to her. But not ALL of us is on board, or else it would be easy and it would work. And I got to thinking about what part of me truly isn't on board. I've listened to this episode before, and I've come up with answers like "I love food" and "I'm afraid to be hungry" and "I want to know that people like me for who I am and not just what I look like" but I am less concerned with those thoughts now, and the biggest argument against it is something that's been weighing on my mind for a while (no pun intended) I dread when people notice I'm losing weight. Being fat gives you a degree of invisibility.
Did you hear that? Being fat makes you invisible. Oh I won't deny that people always notice you, might even gawk a bit if they don't think you're looking, but they never approach you and don't talk about your weight... unless they're your mother. But that's another story. Especially since she has possibly worse emotional issues with food than I do.
I'm veering off topic again. That invisibility is awesome for someone who is shy. I know, I know... anyone who actually knows me thinks I'm bat-shit crazy for saying I'm shy, but I am. With strangers. With meeting people for the first time. With talking to people who I have nothing in common with. If I'm with my friends, or even if it's people I just met but have a reason to talk to them and get along with them, then I'm outgoing and fun and extremely sociable. But I'm petrified of strangers, and I hate like the plague to be stuck with people who have nothing in common with me. (P.S. sorry about the crappy grammar earlier in this paragraph. And lots of other places)
I'm absolutely terrified of the first person to go "have you lost weight?" For a little while you can kind of shrug it off and be all "umm... no... I don't think so... flattering outfit... new hair..." but after a while there's no hiding anymore. I don't want people to notice. In the past, that's about the point where I would flake out and stop losing weight... and gain it all back plus 10%. And I truly think it's because I don't want people to notice I'm losing weight. So it's easier to stay fat. Or even gain weight. Nobody's going to comment on that shit! And there are no expectations. Right now, nobody expects me to lose weight, or even really to maintain. Even though I basically have. But when I lose a little weight... I mean that proverbial 10% would be noticeable. Then everyone will expect me to continue. And when I reach a weight that I'd like to maintain for the rest of my life, everyone else will expect me to maintain it too (or expect me to gain it back, which is even worse) and I hate it when others have expectations of me.
My fat super power is invisibility. And I'm scared to lose it. But I have probably a couple months, maybe even until the winter holidays, before my weight loss will be really noticeable. So I have some time to mentally prepare myself to deal with my coming visibility. I can do it.
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