There was a pretty good breakthrough here today. I swallowed all my pride and fear and anxiety and nervousness and everything else and actually told the hubbster about this homesteading mission I'm on.
The scariest part was that I started by really tearing into our marriage. It's a very long story, and probably not all that interesting, but the short version is that I have been flat-out miserable for nearly all of our marriage. I already kind of covered that in a previous post though. I really laid out all my I-hate-my-life things. I actually used the terms "lawyer or undertaker" in a sentence about how I viewed an improved future. Yikes, right?
But really, I should say I hated my life. Past tense. I honestly feel like I am starting to find my purpose. I've been working through a guide on how to create your very own homestead, no matter what situation you find yourself in. I'm not linking because I'm still feeling all private and like to hide, but if you search for custom homestead, it'll pop up. I actually wrote a mission statement. I've been assigned "write a mission statement" a few times in the past either at work or school, and I always DREADED those tasks. I felt so completely dorky, I never really meant it and just wrote down whatever sounded the most impressive, and they never did anything (probably because I didn't mean it... funny how that works) This time though, it just kind of flowed out of me. My mission statement:
To use my skills and abilities to provide for my family. To find my purpose and usefulness in life through basic, simple, old-fashioned ways.
Allow me to clarify a bit; by "old-fashioned" I mean tried and true through eons of humanity. I don't mean stodgy old fuddy duddy backwards thinking. And also, deep in my heart, my strongest interests in life are the basic and simple ways. Always have been. Well, except for the Sync in my car. I love that shit. But my car also has a manual transmission, so I'm kind of a walking talking contradiction.
Anyway, I told my man that for the first time in nearly a decade, I'm having a fantasy for the future that he is actually in. I've always been a dreamer, and I've always fantasized about the future. In some ways, I think that has worked against me because I'm not very good at living in the "now", but I am working towards using it as an advantage to enjoy life now in ways that prepare me for what may come. Ooooooh and by "prepare me for what may come", I mean for whatever lifestyle I'll be in when we move away from this god-forsaken hellhole. I don't mean that I'm becoming a doomsday prepper. Just wanted to clarify that. Again. I feel very strongly about not becoming one of them. Once again, see that previous post I linked above. Anyway, since I got married all my fantasies have involved me finding myself single again. Or have involved backwards time travel. I am very excited to have one where he and I are both still alive, still married, and still living under the same roof. (there was one fantasy that involved still being married but having separate houses... in separate towns)
I explained to him a bit about what homesteading means to me. I briefly touched on some sweeping generalizations of my goals. I paraphrased my mission statement (didn't have the binder with me at the time and didn't want to get out from under the cozy blanket). And I explained to him how my goals worked towards our future and how I'm keeping this flexible because even though we have our dream (and it's mostly a shared dream, thankfully) we also know that things can change and who knows where we'll end up in the next dozen years. I told him that some of these things I'll want to do on my own, and some I know he won't care to participate in. But other times if he wants to join in I'd appreciate the help and there will be some times that I'll want to do something that is just beyond me and I will need his assistance. And ultimately, I truly want him in my dream and in my future.
And lastly, I also shared with him how I see our potential to work together as a team. We both have our strengths. I am a dreamer, always have been. I can visualize things, I can make plans, I can create a glorious world inside my head. Implementing the plans is where I come up short. He is a doer, a go-getter. He'll jump headfirst into a project and be half done before I even get my shoes on. His shortcoming is that the headfirst jumping is usually also before he has any idea of what he should be doing and he can't visualize anything. If we both can manage to put aside our collective pride, and acknowledge each others strengths and our own weaknesses, I think we have the potential to do absolutely anything we set our minds to.
And he's all in. He is happy that I'm finding a way to feel my purpose in life and he says he will support me and help whenever I want or need it and also stay out of my way when I'm feeling independent. He says he will work on listening to me when I have ideas and suggestions, and I will make an effort to actually do what I say I will in a punctual manner.
I'm happy, he's happy. The dog is oblivious, but that's normal. He's on my bed, snoring.
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