I was with the fam last weekend, and we have TONS of family drama cropping up. I'm not going into that here, not the time or place, and I really don't have anything to say anyway. However, the interesting thing is that I had a little time to chat with my brother and this is at least the third time where he has mentioned something from our dysfunctional childhood that I had COMPLETELY BLOCKED. Kinda makes me wonder how many other repressed memories I have tucked away in the grey matter. And the most recent one was all about how the family has always hidden things from older generations. And this has gone on for generations.
I've said for quite a while that for as different as we are, my brother and I cope with... whatever... in rather similar ways. Both are self-destructive. He drinks, I eat. He's an alcoholic, I'm fat.
And I'd repressed just how much the family hides things from others. And I hide my eating. Anything "bad", anything that's more than what is necessary, I desperately try to hide it. Creamy cheesy fattening naughty foods, I eat when the hubbster is out of town. Or in my car. Or whatever. Bags of candy hidden in my desk. All that jazz. But anything I eat in private shows up on my body in public. How can I break the cycle of, well, dysfunction?
No, really, someone tell me. Cuz I don't have a clue. I keep thinking that recognizing all this will help. And maybe it is, because I think I'm less bad than before. I've managed to mostly maintain my weight (at least stick right around the same size) for like 4 years now, which is nothing short of a miracle. I've never stayed the same weight for more than 2 years in my entire life. Ever. Always going up or down. Mostly up. Some down. But the downs are always followed by more ups. And never staying the same, at least not for very long.
But I hope someday I'll figure out how to use this information to my advantage and actually get to a healthy weight. One thing's for sure, I've figured out a million ways that don't work!
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